


Team Zerophilia

by Weallfadeaway



Category: The Umbrella Academy (Comics), The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Acceptance, Adult Number Five | The Boy, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Awkward Crush, Awkward Sexual Situations, Breaking Boundaries, Coffee Shops, Cutesy, F/M, Falling In Love, Flirting, Gender Confusion, Gender or Sex Swap, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Bad At Tagging, Light Angst, M/M, Masturbation, Multi, Other, Romance, Romantic Comedy, Watching masturbation, Weird Plot Shit, Weirdness, zerophilia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-17
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:28:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27037978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Weallfadeaway/pseuds/Weallfadeaway
Summary: Zerophilia - (noun) a rare condition that affects an unknown number of people. Everyone has an "X" chromosome, some have a "Y" chromosome, and even less are born with an extra "Z" chromosome. Following their first full sexual experience, zerophiliacs switch gender after experiencing an orgasm.This is a condition none of the Hargreeves knew about. Until they met Shaw.(This is set a few years into the future. Five is about nineteen.)
Relationships: Klaus Hargreeves/Original Character(s), Klaus Hargreeves/Original Female Character(s), Klaus Hargreeves/Original Male Character(s), Number Five | The Boy/Klaus Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy/Klaus Hargreeves/Original Character(s), Number Five | The Boy/Klaus Hargreeves/Original Female Character(s), Number Five | The Boy/Klaus Hargreeves/Original Male Character(s), Number Five | The Boy/Klaus Hargreeves/Original Male Character(s)/Original Female Character(s), Number Five | The Boy/Original Character(s), Number Five | The Boy/Original Male Character(s)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 20





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, sadly, I have to admit, the concept for the condition zerophilia is not my creation. I saw a horrible movie of the same name years ago, but I always liked the idea and decided to tweak with it a bit. Hope you all enjoy!
> 
> ~Fade

There was one thing that Pauline Shaw had that was a little different about her and that was that, ever since she was five she liked to be called by her last name. She absolutely hated the name Pauline and would get mad at anyone who called her that who had known her previously. You had one time to make that mistake and then she would let you know never, ever to call her that again. Other than that, she was pretty average... She liked to go shopping, watch movies, hang out with friends. Shaw was completely and utterly normal. That was until she met her first boyfriend, Frankie. Frankie had brought something out of her she didn't know she had been keeping inside. Well, a few things actually...

Suddenly, she was sneaking out, stealing stuff from stores, dying her hair crazy colors and getting piercings. About a month and a half into the relationship, Frankie had finally pressured her into having sex. They were fifteen and apparently he was the only sophomore boy who hadn't lost his virginity yet. She highly doubted that fact, looking at some of the boys in their class, and she wasn't exactly ready either... but she didn't want to lose him. This was a love that would last forever! Or so she had thought...

It was after the Spring Fling dance at school that they decided to finally do it. They were at his friend, Mikey's house, upstairs in his brother's bed. Frankie was so desperate and eager, it seemed like he came in ten seconds, and honestly, that was being generous. He felt horribly embarrassed and also ashamed he couldn't perform his duties for her. He knew he would have to make it up to her, so he tried to pleasure her with his fingers, tried to get her to feel amazing too. He was obviously new at this and wasn't doing _too_ bad, but she had to stop him and give him pointers. Geez, you're going to scratch up the record, Mr. Deejay!

She played along until he had worked himself up to it again; he asked if she was willing to try once more and she hesitantly complied. It wasn't as bad as she thought. It had hurt a little less than the first time, if you could even count that... but soon, it was feeling _amazing_. She felt herself become hot and sweaty, the waves of pleasure hitting her harder and harder.

Both her and Frank screamed out in bliss, but she heard her voice change. It was suddenly deeper, raspy. And Frank's screams were now not of satisfaction, but of fright.

"What!? What's going on!?" She asked in confusion.

"You... you're a _dude_ , dude! You just... changed all of a sudden." he said, getting up and pacing around the room, frantically. "Oh... oh _god_... I had my dick inside a guy. I just lost my virginity to a man. What the fuck!? How could you _not_ tell me about this!?"

She looked down and... holy crap! This wasn't a joke. Shaw was a man! Her breasts were now pecs. He had a flatter, more muscle toned stomach. His waist and hips were different, not as curvy. And... yep, that's a penis, ladies and gentlemen.

"I didn't know! This has never happened before!" He screamed.

Frankie began searching and finding his clothing, not even putting them on before he ran out of the room and down the stairs. You could hear the whole party pause as they saw him, and some begin to laugh and some applaud him, thinking he was just a streaker.

"So, I guess we're breaking up then?" Shaw asked the spot Frankie was standing in a second before that. He sighed and fell back into the pillow, crossing his arms over his chest with a pout on his face. He was going to have to start working on more manly expressions.

* * *

Four years later, Shaw was a sophomore again, only now in community college and now completely online. It was how she had to finish her high school education, as well. It was easier than trying to explain her condition to school staff and having a bunch of teachers looking at her like the world's biggest slut every time she walked into class wearing boxers instead of a bra.

Frank had also been her last relationship, finding _that_ an even harder conversation to have with someone. Imagine all the questions and accusations she would have to face by a lover after simply having a good dream or maybe making some room for 'happy time' in the shower that morning. It would be way too hard, too stressful. Besides, from what she'd seen... relationships were overrated. It was all just a bunch of crap so people could be constantly praised, and to have the false reassurance that, somehow in love, they wouldn't die alone. But could you blame her for not holding the idea of love too high in regards to everything that's happened to her?

At least that's how she felt until _he_ walked in. She had been working at her aunt's coffee shop for the last few weeks, her aunt already knowing about Shaw's condition. She was one of the very few family members who actually were trying to help her out. She had lost her previous jobs when she 'refused' to show up for work. The thing was, she _had_ shown up, just... she was a he. And in menial desk jobs like she'd done before, she hardly thought anyone would notice, just as long as the work was getting done. But they did and apparently didn't appreciate the 'ruse' she was trying to play. Whatever horrible positions she'd had before, it had made her even happier that she had found _this_ job.

This same guy had been coming in at least three times every day. His hair was dark brown, parted on the side and slicked down. His eyes were a vibrant, jade green, that sometimes Shaw could find herself getting lost in. His smile was a rare beauty, usually he was so stoic, but when she got to see it... _man_ , it made her stomach flutter and her face become flushed. She hadn't had a crush like this in a long time. Not that it mattered anyway...

She just wished she knew his name. Whenever she asked for it to write on his cup, he only said, "Five". She guessed it had to be a nickname, but... what the hell could 'Five' mean?

* * *

It was a sunny afternoon, and on days like this, Shaw liked to go to the park for a run around the lake. It always got his heart rate going and he loved the burn it would leave in his thighs and calves afterwards. Plus, it was a great way to look at guys without getting strange stares back. Most gay guys jogged there simply because there was a great bar close by that they could hit afterwards. And everyone else was, there to buy or sell drugs.

Shaw wasn't looking at any of those guys, though. He was only looking at _him_. He had long, brown hair, curly yet neat somehow, and hazel green eyes. Everything about his body was long and slender, yet with lean muscle attached. And the way those muscles could stretch and flex was mesmerizing. He was doing yoga on a mat in the middle of the grassy area by the lake and every time Shaw made another lap, he saw this man in a new position, more challenging than the last.

He was admiring the one-legged inverted staff pose when Shaw felt it in his left calf muscle, a charley horse that stopped him dead in his tracks. He collapsed onto the grass, rubbing at the muscle instantly, and chugging down some water, knowing it could be dehydration that had caused it.

"Hey, are you okay?" the man asked, rolling over, getting up, and heading toward him. Shaw explained what was happening, as the guy knelt down next to him, saying, "Well, you can't massage that yourself. Here."

Before Shaw could make an inappropriate joke or protest the action, the guy had grabbed his calf muscle and began massaging it lightly. By the time he could process what was happening, he didn't want to make him stop. This guy's fingers were magic, making all the tension suddenly ease at every move of his hand.

"Ooh, geez. This is a bad one." He said, pointing to the muscle twitching underneath the skin. "Look at it. It's like it's trying to break free. It's screaming ' _help me, help me... what a world...'._ It's crazy!"

He couldn't help but laugh at the Wicked Witch impersonation. "Yeah, it's worse than one's I usually get." Shaw agreed, as the cute guy began rubbing his leg again. "Thanks for this, by the way."

"Oh, no problem." he smiled, "It's rare I get an opportunity to actually talk to someone nice in _this_ place."

He blushed slightly at the comment and reached his hand out to introduce himself, "Well, thanks anyway. I'm Shaw."

The man smiled, and replied, "I'm Klaus."


	2. Chapter 2

The next day, Shaw had just started her afternoon shift when Five came in. He sauntered up, staring at the menu board overhead even though he always ordered the same thing. A large coffee, black, no sugar. Maybe sometimes, when he was feeling a little crazy, he got a blueberry muffin to go with it, but that was rare. He was predictable, but she liked that about him. And when it was a quality you could never possess, you started to long for it. Maybe that was a part of her attraction.

When he reached the counter, Five started off, "Large co..."

"Large coffee, black, no sugar." She said, starting with him and continuing when he trailed off. "You want that muffin today, or no?"

"Uhh... no." he replied, dumbfounded it seemed, "Damn, am I that habitual?"

"Well, seeing as you have never strayed from that, ever... Umm, yeah! Just a bit." she joked, but quickly added, "Actually, no... I don't think that's a bad thing. I like it. You know what you want and you go for it." 

She got a little smile for her efforts, which made her happy, but there was a short, awkward lull in the conversation as she began to make his drink. She could tell he was working up the nerve for something. He was pretty obvious about it. He reminded her of one of the boys in high school, fidgeting and sweaty when they approached you. There was something endearing about it.

She saw a blush rise to his cheeks as he began, "Listen... umm, I'm not very good at this, but... uhh, I was wondering... Do you have a break coming up? You can sit down with me and show me which coffee _you_ happen to like. Maybe you can make me change my mind."

She looked over to her aunt, Holly, and she gave her the thumbs up. "Yeah, I could do that. But since you drink yours black, I highly doubt you'd like what I drink."

"Oh, why's that?"

"Because I like a caramel macchiato with extra caramel." she replied, as she began making it.

He looked at her, and mockingly gasped in disgust, "You heathen!"

"I need my sugar rush." she said, shrugging her shoulders. "It keeps me going."

"You _do_ know that's what the caffeine is for, right?" he asked.

For the next twenty minutes, they learned some things about each other. Surprisingly, his name actually _was_ Five. Go figure. Apparently, she was the only one who had never heard of the Umbrella Academy or Reginald Hargreeves, which she thought he seemed secretly relieved about. She wasn't sure why that was so important to him. Was that some private school she'd never heard of?

All she knew was that he really didn't want to talk about his family, which she was completely fine with. Her family wasn't the greatest either; most of them had abandoned her, not able to understand zerophilia and thinking it was something unnatural.

She told him about everything... mostly. Like previously stated, she wasn't sure how to bring up her zerophilia in conversation. He seemed like he was knowledgeable about science and... well, pretty much everything. But it was still something that even the brightest minds couldn't wrap their heads around. She wasn't a split personality; the exact opposite, in fact. How do you explain to someone that you weren't two minds in one body, but that you have two different bodies but one mind?

She just knew if she _did_ want to pursue anything further with Five, she would have to tell him... eventually.

"So... what do you have planned for after work?" he asked.

She sighed frustratedly, "Nothing in particular. I just hope that I don't get harassed again. There are these two guys that are always on my bus home and they like to fuck with me every time. I don't know what about me they are so damn fixated with and why they love to see me so frustrated, but they do. I just know I'm going to end up punching one of them soon, and I'm scared they might retaliate. That maybe that's some sort of plan of theirs, like they want to rob me or something. I don't know... Maybe I watch too many crime dramas. Seriously, I think I'm too paranoid sometimes."

"Yeah, I have that problem too. Trust me." he replied, with a laugh. "Well, you know... if you want, I could come and walk you home."

"It's a few miles." she said, and noticed he looked a little disappointed by that response. She grabbed his hand across the table and continued, "But I would love it if you would come with me on the bus ride home."

"Really? Well, that's great! What time do you get off?" he asked, before he realized the other way that question could have been taken, and quickly tried to correct his wording, "Oh! Shit... I mean... What time does your shift end?"

"I get off at eight." she replied, giggling slightly at the mishap.

"Eight it is. See you then."

It was about seven-thirty when Five walked back in, having another coffee while waiting. As soon as they had gotten on the bus, she noticed the two jerks further toward the back. She was going to sit closer to the front, away from them, but Five grabbed her hand and walked her toward where they were sitting. She thought he was nuts, but decided to trust him. She wasn't sure why, but she felt like she could.

The guy sitting by the window laughed and said, "Oh look. She found herself a little boyfriend. Ain't they cute, Nick?"

"A-freakin'-dorable." he said, smacking her ass as they walked by.

Five grabbed the guy's hand and put his other hand on his shoulder, forcing him from his seat and slamming him face first onto the bus floor. He still had his hand on Nick's wrist, but put his foot on his neck so he could stand up, twisting his arm further as he did. Nick groaned in pain and Five twisted it harder, making him yell out.

"Now, that wasn't very nice, gentlemen. I want you to apologize."

The other guy stood and tried to swing at Five, but he ducked and struck him in the jaw.

"Now I can kick both of your asses; don't get me wrong, fellas. I'm just trying to have a nice evening with the lady and I don't want it to go that far." Five said, twisting Nick's arm again, "Now... apologize to her before I get angry."

"Okay! Okay... we're sorry! We're fucking sorry, man!"

She wasn't sure why Five doing this was making her so happy, but it was. Maybe because she'd never had anyone to stand up for her before. And Five barely knew her, so it somehow made it even sweeter. Usually, she would just wait until she switched and kick the person's ass himself. And don't get me wrong, she didn't necessarily have to wait to become a man to handle these problems; she could do some damage as a woman too. She just didn't like risking it. What if she got really hurt? And Shaw could also get really hurt as a man too, but it seemed with his stature and musculature that it was just less of a possibility.

The bus driver stopped suddenly, and kicked all four of them off of the bus. She was afraid this would become a real fight now, but the guys took off running down the street. She guessed Five had really spooked them. 

"So... I'm sorry about that." he said.

"No, that was pretty amazing, actually." she replied, as she hailed a cab, "I'm the one who should be sorry. I hate cutting this short, but... can I make it up to you?"

"Of course." 

"I have my day off on Saturday. Did you want to meet up then?" she asked, and he agreed, eagerly, although trying to hide it. She wrote her phone number on the back of his hand and hopped in the cab, with the biggest smile she'd had on her face in a long time.

* * *

That night, she went to bed with Five still on the brain. The next morning, Shaw had woken up and his erection was staring him in the face as soon as he opened his eyes. He sighed in frustration, heading for the bathroom. He decided to try and burn off some of that tension with a jog around the lake again. Although, he couldn't deny that he had an ulterior motive, hoping to see Klaus, as well.

He wasn't sure what was happening. He never got crushes, and now there was two. He'd mentally stopped himself from that after Frankie broke his heart and all of _this_ had started. Now it seemed like Klaus had the interest of his male self, while Five clearly was what his female half was thinking about. But both were still Shaw. That had definitely never happened before. This dichotomy of male and female thoughts and attractions was something new and different. Usually, if it was something Shaw liked, both sides were drawn to it. Food, music, movies... all the interests were the same. But it had never been a person before. He knew it was something that he was hesitant to explore further, but a part of him really wanted to. 

He smiled as he reached the park, seeing Klaus in his usual spot doing yoga. The way the sun shone against the musculature of his back and his legs was exquisite, definitely enticing. His face was blank in a serene concentration, as he moved into another pose. Shaw ran around until he reached him and sat down next to him, both saying their hellos.

"You wanna go for a couple laps with me?" he asked.

Klaus looked reluctant, "Uhh, I don't know. Running and me... don't really mesh well. It's like flannel and floral."

"How about this... if you jog with me, I'll let you teach me your... yoga stuff." he said, "Agreed?"

He jokingly eyed Shaw up and down, like he was measuring him up. It seemed like he didn't think he could handle it. It was just stretching. How hard could it be?

Klaus shook his hand though, and replied, "Agreed."

When they first started jogging, they stayed at a slower pace than Shaw was used to, since Klaus had said that this wasn't one of his normal activities. He seemed to be having no problem, though, keeping a steady pace and his breathing maintained. Soon, Klaus was passing _him_ up.

"Oh, you wanna go?" Shaw asked, "Let's race then, big boy. First one back to the grass in three laps wins."

"You're on!"

Shaw took off fast, making it to the grass first that time around, but Klaus caught up again. He was pretty quick for someone who didn't do this a lot. He tried to quicken his pace, but Klaus had beat him in the second lap. Just one more to go, and it seemed like the man in front of him was gassing out. It was down to the last few feet, neck and neck. Shaw knew that he could win, but... should he? 

He decided to be nice and let Klaus win in the final second, his arms shooting up in victory.

"Oh, I won! I _so_ owned you!" he cheered.

"I think you lied to me." Shaw said, collapsing onto the ground, "You have to run occasionally."

"Nope. I'm just more awesome than you." he smiled, widely. 

God, that smile. It was simply stunning. It had to be one of the things that was attracting Shaw to him the most. He loved his sense of humor and his eyes were gorgeous as well, but... that smile. _Wow_.

He then realized he had been staring and snapped out of it, quickly averting his eyes, before asking, "So, where do you want to start with this? Are you my, uhh, Yogi Bear thing now?"

He laughed, "It's just Yogi, and I'm definitely not a bear, thankyou. But you can just call me..." he paused, searching for the right word, "Beautiful. Yeah, that works for me."

"Okay, Beautiful. Show me your ways."

He had them both stand, and Klaus stood behind him, having him stand absolutely straight.

"This is the simplest pose, it's called the Mountain Pose. You're basically just standing. But first thing I want you to do, though, is press into all four corners of your feet... your big and little toe and both sides of your heel. Now, I want you to roll your shoulders up and back." he said, grabbing Shaw's biceps and guiding him along with the motion, "When they get as far back as they can go here and your shoulder blades are almost touching, I want you to close your eyes and inhale deeply. When they reach that spot again, let the breath out slowly. Got it?" 

Shaw felt kind of stupid doing this, but nodded, closing his eyes and feeling Klaus' chest press more against his back. He breathed with him, slow and deep. Klaus' hands ran down and back up his arms, rotating his shoulders again as he did.

"Slowly. Now, you feel that?" he asked Shaw, "That's the stress leaving your body as you prepare yourself."

He couldn't help but giggle, but he tried to stop himself. He didn't want to offend him or anything. It was just strange to be doing this in public with so many people around. He didn't like getting attention, but he could tell Klaus was used to it. He had a spotlight on him without even trying.

"Alright, Beautiful. What's next?"

He came in front of Shaw this time and decided to show him an example. He bent forward, his torso almost completely flattening against his legs, and his hands met the ground. The pose was simple, but this was not a simple situation. Shaw's mind was racing with thoughts about running over behind him, ripping down those shorts, and just... _God_ , he had to learn how to control himself.

"And that was the Forward Fold. Yep, you fold forward." Klaus said, simply, "One thing though, you should have a slight bend to your knees the first time. If you fully extend them, you might hurt yourself. As you relax into the pose, you can straighten them more, as long as you feel comfortable. Here, I'll help." Klaus got behind him again and put his hands on his hips. "Okay... now, like I showed you."

As he bent down, Shaw felt Klaus' hand trailing up his spine, rubbing the tension out as he did. His other hand moved down and made sure his knees were bent as well, before coming back up to his hip. He could feel Klaus' hips now against his, as the first hand rubbed his neck and kept his head faced downward.

The thoughts that Shaw was having now... let's just say, he'd need _three_ cold showers when he got home.

Klaus then showed him the Plank Pose, although Shaw had known what planking was previously; he just hadn't known that it had something to do with yoga. He also showed him a pose called Downward Facing Dog, but wasn't sure what was necessarily 'dog-like' about it. The only thing Shaw was certain of was that they should have done this _before_ running. He hated admitting it, but it would be a great way to stretch his muscles out before he did anything strenuous. Also, it wasn't so weird after a while; he didn't even think about the other people in the park. All he was focused on was Klaus.

They sat down side by side on his yoga mat, and Klaus placed his head on Shaw's shoulder. Shaw put his arm around him and they sat in silence for a while, just watching the people walking their dogs and talking on their phones, oblivious to the world around them. He didn't know where he had gained the courage, but Shaw turned and kissed the side of his head and his shoulder. Klaus smiled, and kissed Shaw's hand that was around him, before grabbing his wrist.

"Oh shit!" he exclaimed, looking at Shaw's wristwatch, "Is that the time? Oh crap! I have got to get going. Do you have a... number I can reach you? Maybe a Twitter account? Something?"

Shaw grabbed a pen from his pocket and wrote his number on Klaus' hand. It was weird; he had never done that before with anyone and now had done it twice in a twenty-four hour period. On _two_ different people's hands.

"I'll give you a call later on."

"I'm looking forward to it, Beautiful."

Shaw was so confused. What was he going to do? He really wanted to see what was going to happen with Klaus. But what would happen when they made a date and Shaw couldn't make it because she had a slight case of ovaries that day?

And the same with Five! He was the factor in this that was making it _extra_ difficult. Klaus seemed more open minded to things, maybe not _this_ necessarily, but she could tell he was more accepting, unbiased. But Five, on the other hand, seemed way more traditional and calculating. How could Shaw throw _this_ into the equation for him? He wasn't sure. What he was sure of was that he had a lot of thinking to do.


	3. Chapter 3

The next day, Shaw had been faced with a difficult dilemma. Five had walked in for his morning coffee like usual, but there was nothing 'usual' about it. This had to be a dream! Maybe she had fallen asleep on the bus to work, but there was no way _this_ was real. She rubbed her eyes in disbelief, but they were working fine. Five had someone with him and... it was Klaus.

How did these two know each other!?! They were _so_ different, she would have never expected them to be in the same circle. What was she going to do? It's not like Klaus would recognize her, but what happened when Five wanted to introduce them.

She began panicking and trying to calm herself as best she could. Meditation. Meditation always worked to relieve stress. Alright. Deep breaths, in and out.... in and out. There was an anxious feeling that was creeping up her spine the closer they got, yet she still couldn't hide the smile that came to her when she saw both of their faces. Her blush had to be noticeable as he and Klaus got to the front of the line, because Five seemed to be blushing as well.

"So, I see you have a friend today." she noted.

"Oh, yes. Where are my manners?" Five said, "Shaw, I would like to introduce you to my brother, Klaus. Klaus, this is the girl I had previously mentioned... Shaw."

"Oh. I've been 'mentioned', have I?" she asked, teasingly, to Five.

Wow, brothers? She never would have guessed in a million years that these two could be related. Maybe she would have to look up that Umbrella thing that Five had mentioned before. Klaus clearly had to have been there too and maybe that could help her in getting to know these two a little better.

"Well, brother dear, you didn't mention her being so beautiful. _Enchanté,_ _mademoiselle_." Klaus said, grabbing her hand to kiss it, gently, "You know, I have to say, it's strange that _that_ is your name."

"It can't be worse than Klaus." Five said.

"Uhh, rude!" Klaus exclaimed, "Besides, you don't even have a name, _Number Five_."

"Sorry, but I have to ask... why is it so weird that I go by my last name?" she asked him.

"Oh, it's just because the guy that I met a few days ago goes by Shaw too. I think that's his last name. I don't know for sure, though."

"It might have been my brother." she replied. "He's been acting happier the last couple of days. It's been kind of creeping me out."

Five looked confused, asking, "You have a brother? You didn't mention that."

"Yeah, well, neither did you." she replied, "I have a twin brother, actually. But we don't really look too much alike. He's Paul. I'm.... Pauline."

" _Ooh_ , I can see why you hate your name. That's pretty bad." Five said, jokingly.

"Shut up!" she replied, blushing with embarrassment.

"Don't let him tease you. His ex-girlfriend's name was Delores." Klaus said, with laughter.

"Yeah, well, at least I got their names first." Five replied.

Shaw decided then to move things along, seeing as she was hearing some exasperated sighs coming from the people waiting behind them, "Well, what will you have, my dear Klaus? I already know what he drinks."

She told them she'd meet up with them during her break as soon as the line was gone and began working on their order. She was surprised that she had come up with the twin brother twist on the fly like that. She had thought that it could maybe help explain things later on... _possibly_. Okay, she really had no idea, but it was something more than she had before. An old friend had told her once that a bad plan was better than no plan at all. Now she'd have to test the theory.

Her anxiety grew as she joined them. She knew she was going to have to lie a lot and she didn't really want to do that to either of them. But at the same time, she didn't want to scare either of them away with the truth just yet. Even taking the romantic feelings for both of them out of the equation, this was the closest she'd come to having normal friendships in a long, _long_ time. And, let's face it, she was lonely. If these two could fix that, somehow, she wanted to at least try.

"Ah, there is our lovely lady." Klaus said, standing up as she approached the table, and he pulled her seat out for her. He turned to his brother, before jokingly telling him, "Geez, I thought _you_ were the one who liked her, Five. I've probably charmed her more than you have. Step it up."

"Actually, nimrod, I have a date with her on Saturday." Five stated, which, honestly, was news to Shaw. She wasn't aware that it was an official date. "So, go ahead, Klaus. You're just an incessant flirt, anyway."

"Definitely guilty of that one." he chuckled, "So, a date, huh? That's lovely. And what are we going to do on this 'date'?"

"It's a surprise. Mind your own business." Five replied.

"You know what? Maybe I should. I'll go find my 'business' and ask him why he never told me about his hot twin sister." Klaus said, jokingly, standing from the table like he was about to head for the door. At least she hoped he was joking. Because if he was serious, she was in serious trouble. Shaw couldn't be doing his laps around the lake if she was here working.

She grabbed Klaus' hand and pulled him back to the table, and said, "Hey. I should be mad that Five never told me about his _devilishly_ charming and handsome brother."

Klaus smiled and sat back down, "Well, I guess that's true."

It was somewhat of a reassurance to her that she could sit there comfortably with both of them. She silently wished this could be a preview of things to come, but she knew _that_ was a far-fetched fantasy. She felt selfish wanting both of them, knowing even one of them sticking around after finding out was unlikely, but... maybe it was time for her to be selfish. Maybe she should fight for both.

Klaus had gotten up and excused himself to the bathroom, so Shaw decided to jump on the opportunity to ask, "So, Saturday is a date now? Were you planning on telling me that?"

Five blushed, "It doesn't have to be, if you don't want it to. I just needed him to shut his trap for a second. He's been on his little high horse ever since he met that guy. You know, I wonder if it _is_ your brother. Wouldn't that be weird?"

"I don't know. I've heard some weirder ones." she said, "But, this date of ours... now that you've put the label on it, we can't back out now. Then Klaus wins. We don't want that."

He smiled, and reached across the table, placing his hand over hers, and rubbing the back of her hand with his thumb. "Good, then it's a date."

* * *

That night when she had gotten home, her cell began ringing. It was a number she didn't recognize, but she was still expecting calls from both Hargreeves brothers, so she decided to answer. Knowing her luck, though, it would be the wrong brother... and she was right; It was Klaus.

She panicked, but soon responded, "Oh hey, stranger! What's going on?"

"Shaw?" Klaus asked, happily, "So, it _is_ your brother! Freaky, isn't it?"

"I guess so." she replied, "Listen, I just walked in the door and I think I hear the shower running. Can I have him call you back when he's done?"

"Yeah, yeah. No problem. Sorry to bother, my dear."

"You are never a bother, sweetie." she replied, before hanging up.

Shit. She was going to have to switch and quick. Honestly, she hated masturbation. Not that it didn't feel amazing, she just didn't like the after effects, that's all. But lack of masturbation usually led to wet dreams or doing it while she was passed out. It wasn't sleep-walking, per se; she called it 'sleep-wanking'. So, in order to avoid that, she would have to participate in the activity occasionally, but she had to admit, it was more difficult to reach orgasm as a female than a male.

She went to her room, ripping her work shirt off and unzipping her pants. She laid out on her bed, and began thinking about Klaus. His beautiful eyes, so full of emotion, and that deliciously gorgeous smile... the way his skin felt against his lips when Shaw kissed his shoulder. But she found her mind travelling to Five, somehow. His eyes, the way they seemed to pierce right through her. The rare smiles that she earned and how they felt like a hidden treasure she had discovered. He was small in stature, but well-compact. She had grabbed his forearm once, and felt how solid the muscle was. She let her mind wander and pictured her hands on those arms, gripping them tightly while sitting in his lap, and kissing him, roughly.

Her hand then began inching up her torso, cupping her breast lightly and her thumb began flicking against her nipple. She pictured his tongue there, circling around it and his lips closing down, sucking on it gently. Her other hand made its way inside her panties, opening her legs wider as her finger began playing with her clitoris, gently. She was aching for it to be his fingers, getting her pulse racing, her breathing to quicken its pace. She was dying to feel his lips on her lips, on her skin. She worked that finger inside of her, and soon added another, picturing Five's calloused, calculating hands working her efficiently.

Then suddenly, she was thinking about Klaus again... his fingers inside of her, his lips on her skin... or, should it be, _his_ skin? She wasn't sure. She kept picturing herself swapping genders, back and forth, man then woman, Klaus then Five. _God_ , these two were even making _this_ confusing.

She tried to clear her mind of it all, but she couldn't. Her pace quickened and now she was seeing the both of them. She pictured herself on her hands and knees, Five was behind her and Klaus in front. Five was pounding into her, hard and fast, as her mouth worked its way along Klaus' shaft. Her tongue played around the tip before taking him back in as far as she could, moaning around him as Five changed his position slightly.

That little bit was enough to send her over the edge, mumbling curse words into her pillow as she rode out the waves of pleasure. That's when it happened, as soon as those waves stopped. She closed her eyes and tried to focus on her breathing. When he opened his eyes again, he knew it had worked.

He ran to the phone and called Klaus, who answered on the first ring. That small tidbit made him picture that Klaus had been waiting by the phone, but he knew that was most likely a fallacy. 

"Sorry it took me so long to respond. My sister decided to give me the third degree about you."

"I hope you said nothing but good things about me." Klaus said.

"Of course!" he replied, "So her and your brother, huh?"

"Yep, and me and her brother. There's something so wrong, but so hot about all of this. Don't you think?"

Shaw laughed, not sure if he was being serious, but replied, "I don't really know. Honestly, I'm still trying to process it. This is all a little too weird for me."

"Not too weird, like 'you're going to hang up and never speak to me again' weird, though... right?" Klaus asked.

"Of course not, babe." he answered, "I think about you way too much to cut you off over something this stupid."

"Oh, you do, do you? And what do you think about, when thinking of me?"

"It's way too soon to reveal _those_ kind of things to you, dear sir." he replied, and Klaus laughed.

They talked and flirted on for about another hour or so. They talked about movies, music, food, love, anything that came to mind, really. It was nice, having someone to be so comfortable with and Shaw could finally feel like he could say anything to him. Well... almost anything.

But then, out of the blue, Klaus revealed, "I miss you. I want to see you. Right now."

"It's kind of late."

"Well, why don't you come by the coffee shop in the morning? Five and I can meet up with you and your sister." he said.

Crap. Well, he couldn't have that. He would have to think of something else. Anything. Shaw wasn't ready to confess everything to them yet. For some reason, he couldn't stop thinking of the phrase 'you can't be in two places at once'. But this was even worse. This was 'you can't be two people in one place'.

Before he knew what was happening, Shaw asked, "How about you come by my apartment and I can show you a real cup of coffee... right now?" 

Wow, where the _hell_ did that come from? He knew that sounded like more of an invitation for a hook up, and that just made things so much more complicated. It would have been easier to explain why he or she wouldn't be meeting them at the coffee house, depending on how Shaw woke up that morning. Now, he would have to explain why he couldn't make the relationship physical yet, and he didn't want to upset Klaus or seem like a 'tease' in any way. Or.... god, what if he said something wrong, and make Klaus think he had some kind of disease?

Klaus then replied, "I wish I could, but now I'm pretty sure that I hear _my_ sister coming home. I think fate is trying to tell us something. I'll have to see you later."

"The sooner, the better." Shaw replied.

* * *

Holly looked at Shaw with a teasing smile when he showed up for his shift in the morning. She had asked him over and over about Five before, but he never thought anything of it. He thought she was just being an annoying aunt. But now she was pestering him about both Five and Klaus and how he knew them. Yet she had never seen Klaus before, so how did she know his name?

That's when she filled him in on what the Umbrella Academy _really_ was and he had never expected that. Apparently, they fought bad guys and had superpowers! Klaus, a.k.a. Number Four, could speak to the dead, and Number Five could time travel. There were comic books, action figures, even a short lived cartoon series about all of them. How the heck had he never heard about them before?

Maybe that was it. Obviously, they weren't used to normalities of any kind. It wasn't exactly a super power, but maybe they could understand his problem. He just knew that he should probably find that out before his date with Five tomorrow.


	4. Chapter 4

Five looked confused when he had walked in the coffee shop, expecting to see Shaw behind the counter. The thing he didn't know was that Shaw actually was. It stung him a little seeing that disappointment on Five's face, but he also liked that her absence could have such an impact on Five's day already. A part of Shaw was wishing that Klaus would be coming in behind him, so he could see a happy face too, but sadly, he wasn't. Five was all by himself.

But then again, Shaw thought that it might be a good opportunity to get him acquainted with _this_ side of her personality. He would have to eventually if things between them went well, right? Okay, maybe that was getting presumptuous, but he really liked Five a lot.

When he reached the counter, Five had made his order then asked, "Sorry to bother, but is Shaw going to be working today?"

"Umm, I'm Shaw." he answered.

"Oh, so you're her brother, I take it?" Five asked, eyeing me up and down as he did. 

"And you must be Five." Shaw replied, "Well, she told me about your date tomorrow, so I decided to take her shift for her. And then I sent her to go get a mani-pedi and a facial."

"That's nice." he replied, probably having no idea what a 'mani-pedi' even was. "Well, will you tell her I said hello for me when you see her?"

"Yeah, I can, but... if you don't mind... I have a break coming up, can I sit and chat with you? It'd be nice to get to know the guy taking out my sister, after all." he said, "And maybe get some dirt on Klaus, if you're willing."

Five smirked a little, and said, "Yeah, sure. Why not?"

When Shaw joined him, Five seemed a bit guarded, hesitant. Well, she had broke through those walls a little bit before, so he guessed he would have to do it again. He asked Five a few questions, although he already knew what his responses would be. He noticed his answers were more short and precise than when _she_ had asked them. He wasn't making much eye contact and seemed kind of fidgety as well.

"I'm sorry, but I have to ask, am I making you uncomfortable or something?"

Five responded quickly, "No, no. I guess I'm just nervous for tomorrow. I haven't really been on a date..."

"Like, in how long?" Shaw asked.

"Like... ever." Five replied, "It's a long, really complicated story."

"I might have the time to listen." He replied, hopefully.

"Oh, no. It's alright. I'm already revealing too much. Which, by the way, is very uncharacteristic of me." Five said, before asking, jokingly, "You didn't spike this, did you?"

"Of course not. I wouldn't waste good booze on a stranger. Whoa, wait... You've never been on a date before?" he asked and Five shook his head no, "Well, I don't think that she has been on a date since high school, if that makes you feel any better."

He sat up a bit and said, "It kind of does. Thanks."

"No problem." Shaw replied, "So, how about some funny stories about Klaus? What's the best one you got? Hit me!"

Five spent the next twenty minutes telling him about the time when Klaus was nine, he had found a condom, and thought it was a plastic wrapper for when you wanted to save your candy. He told him about the time that he almost got his ass kicked for trying to sell psychic readings outside of an elderly home when he was twelve. And, my favorite so far, was about the time when they were seven and their brother, Diego, had covered a beehive in crepe paper and told Klaus it was a piñata. And, not only that, but had also tried to get Klaus to burst it open with nunchucks.

This was nice, sitting here and laughing with Five, but he knew that he had to get back to work before Aunt Holly started yelling. Or teasing him again. All he knew is he probably couldn't stand hearing all of that right now with everything that was swimming around in his head.

"Hey, I have to get back to work, but I think that the four of us should do something tonight. Kind of like a pre-date preview, if you will. Maybe it might help you shake the jitters before your big date tomorrow and we can all get to know each other better. Does that sound good?"

"Yeah, that'd be great."

Shaw told him to call him later for the address and made his way to the back room. He shut the door and slammed his back against it, letting out a frustrated sigh. What had he just gotten himself into? Was he ready for this? I guess he had to be now. There was no turning back.

Tonight, he was going to reveal his big secret, and hope they both didn't take off running.

* * *

Shaw was so nervous. It wasn't even butterflies in his stomach at this point; it was bats. Huge vampire bats, sucking away all the nerve he had built up to do this. His hands were shaking and he couldn't keep still no matter what he had tried to distract himself. He had gotten the call from Five a while ago that said he and Klaus were on their way. 

The knock at the door made him almost yelp out, he was so edgy. He answered it and they both came inside, greeting him as they took off their coats. He took them to the living room, and sat them both down on the love seat, taking a chair across from them. He breathed in deeply, exhaling loudly, trying to work up the courage.

"So, I actually had an ulterior motive for bringing you both here today."

"What?" Five asked, "Where's your sister?"

"Just let me get this out, okay. I'll take all questions and comments at the end of the presentation." Shaw replied, before continuing, "She is here, but... that's the thing you need to know. Have either of you ever heard of zerophilia?"

They both replied in unison, "No."

"Okay, well... a person is born with an X chromosome, sometimes a Y chromosome, and in a really, really rare occasion, they have a Z chromosome. That's zerophilia. That extra chromosome doesn't affect you until you're older, though. Basically, not until you lose your virginity." he said.

"Umm, okay...?" Five started.

Both looked like they were trying to say something, but couldn't find the words. Shaw didn't blame them. It was a lot to take in at once. But he knew he would have to simplify it for them, seeing how confused they already were. So, he decided to just lay it all out, and continue.

"Here it is... _She_... is _me_. We're the same person. Whenever I orgasm, I swap genders. Right now, I'm a man, but if I were to go into the other room and jack off, I would come back in here a woman. There _are_ no twins, no Paul and Pauline. It's just me. And I understand if neither one of you want to speak to me again, but you have to understand how hard this is for me to tell people. I kind of _have_ to lie at first to make sure that I can trust them, which I know makes no sense, because then... well, how can they trust me? But..."

"Shaw!" Five exclaimed, cutting him off. He was nervously rambling so he was actually kind of grateful he had.

They sat there in an awkward silence for what seemed like hours, but was probably about five minutes, in actuality. Both were pretty stoic, he couldn't read what they were thinking and it was driving him crazy. Were they freaking out as much as he was? Were they scared? Upset? Angry? Did they not give a shit?

God, he just wished one of them would say _something!_

Klaus was the first to break the silence. "So, how does that work exactly? Would it be like... cum, _boom_ , you're a guy again? Or is it like a slow progression as you slowly grow a..."

"Klaus, stop." Five replied, when Klaus held out his hand to indicate he was referring to a penis, shutting his eyes in disgust as he pictured it. Okay, well, _that_ wasn't a good sign.

"You know you were thinking it too." Klaus retorted.

Shaw turned toward Five, wanting to reach out and grab his hand, try to comfort him in some way, but he knew that he would most likely reject him while he looked like _this_. Klaus seemed to be just wondering how it all worked, but Five was still kind of hard to read. Shaw couldn't tell how he was feeling about all of this. 

"Five, can you say something... please?"

"Shaw, I..." he began, but as soon as looked up into his eyes, Five couldn't continue. He was just too confused. "I need a minute to think." 

A flash of white light exploded in front of them, and he was gone.

Shaw stood up from his seat in a fright, "What the _hell_ was that!?!"

"Oh, he teleports sometimes. And, by the way..." Klaus started, before continuing in a great impersonation of Haley Joel Osmond in The Sixth Sense, "I see dead people."

"Seriously!?! I thought Holly was yanking my chain when she said that."

"You know, speaking of yanking... I want to see it." Klaus stated, matter-of-factly.

"What, me jack off?"

"Yeah, I want to see you change." he said, and Shaw paused for a second, processing what Klaus had just said.

"Wait... so, you're _not_ freaked out by all of this?" he asked.

"I once knew a guy who crowed like a rooster every time he had an orgasm. Now _that_ was weird." Klaus replied, but soon saw the confusion on Shaw's face. He reached across and grabbed his hand, as he said, "Listen, gender has never meant much to me. Guy, girl, whatever. That's not what matters. As cheesy as it sounds, I care more about a person and what's on the inside. And, yes, I usually prefer it when the outside comes with a penis, but... it's not a deal breaker if it doesn't."

Shaw was blown away. He hadn't been expecting that answer, honestly. He wasn't even expecting Five's reaction. Shaw was expecting a lot more yelling and curse words. Maybe throwing things, possibly violence of some kind, he wasn't really sure. But that _definitely_ wasn't how Klaus responded to it all.

He had to be the sweetest, most understanding human being that Shaw had ever met. All he knew was that he was too lucky to have this person in his life.

Shaw was becoming overwhelmed with emotion, but tried to hold it back, as he said, "You have no idea how much that means to me."

"I'm glad. Because you're starting to mean a lot to me too and I want to keep it that way." Klaus said, before starting to joke again, "So, come on! Show me."

Shaw wasn't sure what came over him, but he got up, leaning across the table, and pulled Klaus into a kiss. It was quick, but both of them had the biggest smiles on their faces as it broke. He grabbed Klaus' hand and helped him to his feet, and they both walked over to the bedroom.

Klaus pushed him up against the door as soon as it closed and his lips were on his again in a proper kiss. When it deepened, Shaw moaned into his mouth, their tongues finally meeting in sinful bliss. Shaw nibbled at his bottom lip as Klaus began palming him through his jeans, slowly. Klaus' lips fainted across his, teasingly, before moving them to his neck, biting down, sucking and lapping at the skin in a heated desire. Shaw's hips jerked out against his fingers as they tried to coil around him as best as they could through the fabric. Klaus then kissed him again, slower yet more passionate. The way his lips felt against his was intoxicating, but soon, he pulled away.

"Come on, I want to see it happen." he said, "Please?"

Shaw walked over to the bed, taking his shirt and pants off, before laying back on the mattress. He took himself into his hand and began stroking it slowly, his eyes never leaving Klaus'. His thumb was moving over the tip, as his pace quickened. He delved it slightly into the slit at the tip, wishing that it was Klaus' tongue. But he knew he wouldn't get up and come over this time. Klaus wanted to see him change, and couldn't stop watching his hand. For some reason that was making it even hotter for Shaw, having the one man show watching him.

He didn't last long. His eyes screwed shut as he came all over himself, panting quietly. He heard his voice rise and felt the change happen, as she relaxed back into the pillow.

"Holy shit." Klaus gasped, stuck in his spot for a few minutes. She wasn't even sure if he blinked. 

Suddenly, he stood up from the chair and walked over to her, running his hand up her arm, over her collarbone and down to her breast. He looked like he was dumbfounded, like his brain had vacated the building and his body wasn't sure what to do now.

He cupped her face, his thumb running over her cheekbone, and leaned down. His lips met hers, tentatively, and she responded with the same, finally breaking it a second later. But then, her fingers came up to tangle in his hair as she planted fast, chaste kisses on him. Her forehead rested against his, as she stared into his eyes, taking in everything she could in this moment.

"So..." she started.

"So." he replied, "That was intense."

"Yeah, it's... intense is a good word." she agreed.

Klaus stood up, breaking the gaze, as he said, "I probably should get going."

"Not for good though... right?" she asked, hopefully.

He replied simply, somehow answering yet _not_ answering her question, "I'll call you tomorrow."

He helped her up from the bed, and she threw on her robe, before they opened the bedroom door. She was definitely surprised to see Five sitting on the couch again, in the spot he was earlier. He eyed Shaw up and down, now noticing that she was in her old skin, and his face just drooped in despair now knowing how that happens. Klaus sighed, dejectedly, turning to bang his forehead against the wall. 

Shaw started, not sure what she'd say, "Five, wait..."

But she blinked and he was gone again.


	5. Chapter 5

When Klaus got home, he ran into a fist as soon as he entered his apartment. Five had been there waiting since he left Shaw's place, and his anger had been brewing the whole time. Klaus looked back at Five and noticed his heavy breathing, the crazy look in his eyes, and his hands clenched by his sides. He was fuming. Klaus didn't know if he should even be feeling bad or guilty about anything, but Five obviously thought he should. He rubbed his jaw, before pushing Five back toward the kitchen area.

"What the hell, man!?!"

"That's just what I was about to ask you." Five replied.

"Not sure what you mean, dearest brother." Klaus said, acting as if he didn't know what Five was referring to.

But he didn't, did he? He had so many questions now. And not just for Shaw, but for Five as well. And I'm sure Five had just as many questions for the both of them too. They were going to have to figure out what to do about this situation, but when it came to sex and relationships... well, those were subjects that most people got uncomfortable discussing. Especially Five.

Klaus grabbed Five's arm and pulled him over to the kitchen table, yanking out a chair and throwing him down in it. He sat across from him, and with the bright light overhead and the dark walls, it almost felt like they were in an interrogation room. But maybe that was fitting, considering the situation they were in, because both of them apparently needed some answers.

"What do you want to know?" Klaus asked. "I will be completely, one-hundred percent honest about everything. Ask away."

"Did you actually know anything about this 'zero' thing before she mentioned it?"

"No."

"Well, then... why didn't it... why _doesn't_ it seem to bother you at all?"

"Because our physical selves don't really mean anything to me, and the connection that we have is on a more spiritual level. I don't care about what sex Shaw is; I want to have sex with Shaw."

"So, wait... then, you didn't?"

"No. We didn't do anything. We just made out. I rubbed him through his pants, and touched her boob, but nothing more." Klaus said, "Shaw did just like he said, he walked into the other room, jacked off, and... boom, she's a girl. I was only watching because I wanted to see how it happened. I was curious."

Five took a second absorbing his answers. He wasn't sure how to, honestly. This was becoming all a little overwhelming to him. Thank god he was sitting.

"So, it happens instantaneously? Just like that?" he finally asked.

"Yeah, it's kind of like when you jump. But instead of, _flash_ , bye, it's... _flash_ , boy!"

Five tried to picture it, but he was having difficulties. Maybe he should have stuck around to witness it like Klaus had. Then again, he wasn't sure he could accept it even if he saw it in front of his own eyes. It was a difficult concept to grasp. And there wasn't too many things out there that could fly over Five's head like that.

Klaus grabbed his hand, "Are you okay? You seem like you're having a hard time with this." 

"I'm not sure, to be honest."

"Well, can I ask _you_ some questions?" 

Five looked at him, warily, but said, "Shoot."

"What about this whole thing is the worst aspect for you? Why are you fighting it?"

"I've never done anything with a guy before." Five replied, simply.

Klaus replied, "Well, you've never really done anything with a _girl_ before either."

"Fair point." Five said, "I just... don't know what to do."

"But you _do_ like Shaw a lot, right? That's what you told me!"

"Yeah, I do. She's amazing!"

"Well, she still is! Listen, Five, she's still the same person when she has a penis, okay? It's the same gift, just... it has some different wrapping." Klaus said, which surprised Five. He hadn't expected such a great analogy to come out of him, and it actually really got him thinking. Maybe all the gender issues _were_ stupid, but Five knew it was going to take a while to figure it out.

Klaus continued, sensing that there was more that Five needed to say, "Is that the only issue you are having with this, though? Or is there something else?"

There was, but Five knew Klaus was the last person he could tell.

* * *

It took almost everything Shaw had to pull herself out of bed the next morning. That look on Five's face before he had left again last night... it almost broke her heart. And she was almost sure that she had broken his. They hadn't known eachother long, but she knew that the connection she felt between them was strong. That just confirmed that it was just as strong for him too.

And then, there was Klaus to figure into everything. He was the greatest - so funny, so sweet, so amazing, so accepting. When would she ever find someone like that again? Not to mention, the man was an amazing kisser. And after finally getting a taste, she definitely wanted more.

She was a block away from work, when she felt a hand on her shoulder. She spun around and saw Klaus standing there, with a weak smile. She returned it, but wasn't sure how to start off the conversation.

"Hey." he said.

"Hi." she replied, shuffling awkwardly and staring at the ground.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"I'm alright." she replied, before looking up into his face and asking, "Does he hate me?"

"He doesn't hate you, sweetie. He's upset, that's for sure. But I think he was mad that you hadn't been honest with him about the zerophilia... or about me. Also, he hates sharing, especially with one of his siblings."

"You guys didn't tell me about what you could do either." she retorted, "And who said anything about 'sharing'?"

"Well, what had you expected was going to happen if we both had been fine with it?"

"I... I don't know! I _wasn't_ expecting it. Ever. I thought you both would think I was a freak and run for your lives." She replied, "What I _do_ know is that I was _trying_ to be honest! _That's_ why I told you guys! Why can't he see that?"

"Well, hopefully we can show him." Klaus said, "I have an idea."

* * *

Five wasn't exactly thrilled with Klaus' plan, but somehow he had convinced him to go along. Target practice at the shooting range was usually fun, but not with him. Not today.

It was no lie. He was still really pissed at him, and he didn't exactly want to be around Klaus at the moment. Especially with all those semi-automatic weapons available. It was dangerous for his brother's health. But then again, he'd never been one to pass up trying out a gun or rifle he had never shot before. He hated being an assassin, but that was the one part about the job he liked. Playing with new toys.

He parked the car and walked in. Klaus had told him he wanted to stay out front and smoke a cigarette before heading inside. But what he actually found inside was not what he expected. 

Shaw was sitting in the waiting lounge. She stood up in anticipation as soon as she saw him, but he didn't feel so eager to see her as she had appeared to be. He immediately turned and went back out of the door. He began heading for the car, but quickly realized that it wasn't there. And neither was Klaus.

"That bastard." Five muttered to himself, before he felt her hand on his shoulder.

"Wait, Five... please?" she begged, "Just, give me a minute... please."

"Can't you leave me alone? Haven't you screwed with me enough?"

"That's not what I was trying to do... exactly. I just... didn't know how to tell you. But I did! Okay? I came clean about it all. That should count for something." she said, her voice weak, "Listen, I'm sorry if you got hurt, but I just needed to be sure you were worth telling the secret to. You should know what I mean more than anyone! Hell, you can transport! Time travel! Are you telling me that's something you tell somebody straight off the bat?"

Five thought about it for a second and realized she was right. It _was_ a huge secret, just like his... just like Klaus'. And really, Klaus was more of the problem for him than Shaw's condition ever was.

The real problem was that Five was still a virgin. Klaus had been all over the world, slept with so many different people... at once, even! There were ways that Klaus was still so child-like, but he was definitely more mature than Five in this area. And, Five had to admit, he _hated_ knowing that he wasn't the best at something. But how would he ever compare to... _that?_

Not to mention, Five didn't want his first relationship to be with two other people. It didn't seem right. A relationship was supposed to be one man and one woman... wasn't it? But, then again, things just weren't like that anymore! Gay, straight, bisexual, pansexual... there were no restrictions on love anymore. So why did he feel like he needed to place them there himself?

She grabbed his hand, and made him a proposition, "I just want this one date. If you still hate me, then we can part ways after this. I won't talk to you; I won't even talk to Klaus. But if you still want to be with me, then we'll see if we can figure this out. Deal?"

He thought for a second but agreed, "Deal." Then adding, "So, the gun range? This is where you take people on dates?"

"No, just you. You're special." she joked, batting her eyes playfully at him. "Actually, I've never held a gun before in my life. I thought you could teach me how to shoot."

"This was Klaus' idea, wasn't it?" he asked.

"He said it would be the most-likely way to get you out of the house."

Five had found a larger-caliber hand gun on the list that he'd been wanting to try out, so he decided to go first. He lined up his shot, and popped them off quickly. He had hit his mark every time, almost dead center, and Shaw was quite impressed. Granted, she didn't know everything about his past, and didn't understand when he said he wasn't happy with the grouping.

It was her turn now. Five had her start off with a small caliber pistol, thinking it would would get her used to recoil without being too much of a danger. He showed her where to stand, how far to keep her legs apart, and he squared her shoulders off for her. When he ran his hands down her arms to show her how to hold it properly, he suddenly felt a heat rising from the pit of his stomach. He was then very aware of their proximity to one another and thought that maybe the gun range wasn't such a bad idea after all.

He took a step back and she took her first shot. It had been pretty low on the target, but she hit it. He got back behind her and lined her shot up again, this time his hands never leaving her forearms, almost guiding her. This time, she hit the bullseye.

"Hey, look! I did it!" she exclaimed, turning her head to see his reaction. 

"You were alright." He said, seemingly indifferent to the fact, but inside he was doing backflips for her.

"I had an amazing teacher." she replied, "A pretty damn cute one, too."

Their eyes met, and he couldn't help himself any longer. He grabbed the gun, placing it down on the table, before spinning her around and kissing her, roughly. She was shocked for a moment, but soon returned it with the same fevered passion. His tongue met hers and they both moaned simultaneously. This was definitely better than Five had imagined.

She broke the kiss, panting, before asking, "You want to get out of here?"

He nodded before his brain even processed what she had asked, and she grabbed his wrist and ran with him out to her car. Pushing him in the backseat, she climbed on top, recapturing his lips with hers. She had been aching for them since she first saw him, and she had been right to. They were delectable, soft yet demanding. And somehow their bodies just fit together so right.

They were both around the same height - five foot, ten inches - and it seemed to help in these cramped spaces. Not that he was taking advantage of it. He was just so flustered, unsure of where to put his hands, where his legs should be. Should he grab her ass? Her boob? He didn't know. This was the furthest he'd been with someone that wasn't factory made.

Also, what about this zero-thingy? Was what she said true? Did it only happen after the orgasm, or would she switch in the middle of it? He should have gotten some more detailed descriptions from Klaus. He just knew he didn't want it to occur in the middle of what was happening right now.

He grabbed her shoulders, pushed her back, and said firmly, "Stop."


End file.
